


Dig It Deeper

by Jay_Wells



Series: The Odd Life of Alexander Hamilton [6]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - College/University, Cheating (discussed), Emotional Confusion, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Internalised Homophobia, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Parent-Child Relationship (discussed), Past Underage, References to Depression, References to Emotional Abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Teenage Parents, Teenaged Characters, bisexual Hamilton, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 10:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6799663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Wells/pseuds/Jay_Wells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has a tendency to dig himself deeper. His father accused him of being gay, so he had sex with a girl. She got pregnant, so he married her. He felt guilty for not actually wanting to be with her, so he joined the army. Now he was cheating on her, and he doesn’t want to stop. </p><p>He really wishes he knew when to quit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dig It Deeper

John tensed when he felt Alex snuggle closer like he had every Friday night. It was silly, nothing was going to happen, he had no reason to panic; and yet every time, he did. Maybe he should tell Alex he was married. It was true, it would end this mess and then he wouldn’t have to feel so guilty about cheating on Martha and could go back to feeling guilty about not having sex with her. It wasn’t really cheating, though, if he wasn’t having sex with Alex. _Right? Right._

It had been a year since he told Alex that he wasn’t interested in sex, and he’d been okay with it then, but things may have changed. He could ask, right now. He didn’t want to, though. He didn’t want to hear, _yes, things have changed._ He didn't want to admit all the reasons why. He didn't want to talk about his fire-and-brimstone preacher of a grandfather and how deep down, he couldn't shake the feeling that this was wrong. Or that he was married. John didn't want to talk about how he pretended they were "just friends" whenever the guilty feelings about all the ways this went against what he'd been taught all his life. Alex never thought it was wrong, and if John told him about his secret doubts, he'd leave him. And God knew that terrified him. He'd be all alone again. 

If things had changed, what then? John couldn’t cheat on Martha, but, and he hated to think about it, he may already be. He needed to break it off with Alex. No sex didn’t equate fidelity, even if he tried to justify it like that.

“Alex?” he began, trying not to meet his eyes. “I want you to know that I love you, but -- ”

Alex’s eyes lit up, then clouded over when his brain caught up with John's words. “But?”

“ -- but, uh, the direction this is going … ” _Quit beating around the bush, John._ His inner voice sounded a lot like his father, another reason he needed to go back to Martha. Dad would never approve of this. John knew he disappointed his father, he didn’t want to make it worse. Part of him hoped Alex picked up on what he was trying to do, so he didn’t have to say it.

It looked like his wish was granted, except genies always had a catch. The catch was Alex’s face. He looked like he’d been slapped. “Oh.”

He got up and turned off the movie and ejected it from the VCR, his copy of _Twilight Zone_. “I … Do you want me to go now?”

John should say yes because everything about this was wrong. _Bring home a girl or don’t come home. You have chosen the path of destruction and humiliation otherwise._ Alex had been with girls before. He would be fine. John should say yes because he was married. _I’m pregnant, John. I’m sorry, I don’t know how this happened -- I took the pill I swear._ John should say yes because he was selfish and couldn’t even be gay right. Everything he did was half-assed. He should say yes, but he hadn’t felt okay in awhile, and Alex made him feel okay most of the time. He really, really should say yes, but he wasn’t going to because down seemed the only place he could go.

 _I love you._ He said them because they seemed like the right words to soften the blow, but the way his stomach turned at the thought of Alex walking out that door told him he meant them. He wanted to feel like that toward Martha. If he did, this wouldn’t be so hard. _You have destroyed yourself._

_Dad, I brought back a girl._

_Martha Manning, will you marry me?_

_Thank you, John._

_I’m sorry, John, I should’ve trusted you. Congratulations, Jacky._

“No! God, Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean _that._ ” John stood up and took Alex’s hand hesitantly. Alex still looked apprehensive, but the hurt had faded. “I was just wondering, uh.”

He was stalling, and Alex knew it. “What is it, John? I won’t be angry. Whatever it is, it’ll be easier if you just get it out.”

 _Oh, no, it won’t._ “Uh, it’s almost the end of May, and you’re going back to live with the Mulligans soon, but … ” What would make Alex forgive him for almost breaking up with him? He needed to move the relationship along, without actually offering sex. And, shit, Martha was going to be pissed if she ever found out, but -- “Would you move in with me?”

Alex should say no because he didn’t deserve John’s wishy-washy moods.

“Yes!” Alex hugged him tightly.

John was in it so deep, Hell had to be close.

**Author's Note:**

> Historically, Martha Manning and John Laurens were three years apart, but they also married when John was 22 and she was 19, which meant they were 21 and 18 respectively when they had sex. Since I messed with the timeline a bit to account for real wars, so I aged her up a year so that she wasn't fourteen and having sex with a seventeen-year-old. In this universe she would've been about a month shy of sixteen (I set her birthday in February). 
> 
> Also historically, the Laurens were religious (I believe he had a minister for a grandpa). And this takes place in the 80s (AIDs crisis), so that's why the homophobia. There'll be more on that later.


End file.
